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JOKES

Before any of you start to read the Dirty Jokes the managers of this site would like to disclaim any and all knowledge about the Jokes containing gratuitous swearing and any such like language (anyone under the age of 20 SHOULD NOT REPEAT THESE JOKES IN VIEW OF TEACHERS!) Also DO NOT REPEAT ANY OF THE WOMEN JOKES IN FRONT OF FEMINISTS (especially blond ones).

Most of the Professional Jokes are O.k. to repeat just don't over-do it with the telling of them.

Also the Pub jokes are quite funny so I suggest you check them out Have Fun!

Professional Jokes

The worst thing you can hear as the anaesthetic starts to hit is, "Lord of This World, Farther of Lies, Prince of Darkness, accept this, our Sacrifice..."

I had to kill my psychiatrist. He helped me a lot, but he just knew too much.

If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?

You can always tell when a death certificate has been completed by a Russian doctor. He signs in the cause of death' box... When a car skidded on a wet road and struck a telegraph pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to get to the victim, but a bloke rushed in and shouldered her out of the way. "Step aside, love," he said, "I've got a certificate in first aid." The woman observed for a minute or so, then tapped the bloke on the shoulder. "I just thought you should know that when you get to the part about calling for a doctor, I'm right here."

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a scalpel by mistake? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors.

Alzheimer's Disease has lots of advantages. You get to hide your own Easter eggs and buy yourself surprise presents. You are always meeting new people. Best of all, you never have to watch repeats on television!

An obese bloke visited his doctor, suffering from headaches. "Please get undressed," said the doctor, so the bloke did, puzzled. "Ah, excellent," said the doctor. "Now, please go and stand in the window, facing out, and thrust your penis towards the glass." Even more confused, the bloke obeyed. While he was standing there waving his flabby bollocks out of the window, he asked, "Look, doctor, I don't mean to criticise, but what has this got to do with my headaches?" The doctor was silent for a moment, then replied, "Nothing, actually. My ex-wife works in the office opposite my window."

A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm rely concerned," she said "Yesterday, I found my daughter and the little boy next door together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling." The psychiatrist smiled. " There's nothing to worry about," she said, "It's not unusual." "Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It bothers me. It bothers my daughter's husband, too.

" Scientists say that 92% of all ten-pound notes carry germs. That's not true. Not even a germ could live on a tenner.

A doctor lost his practitioner's license when his was caught having sex with one of his patients. It was a particular shame, as he had been the best mortician in town.

If the car had followed the same technological curve as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost £50, do a million miles to the litre, and explode once a week, killing everyone nearby.

A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.

You should never let your schooling interfere with you education. While visiting a small primary school, an inspector interviewing the headmistress became irritated at the noise the children were making in the next room. Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller girls who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged her onto the head's office, ordered her to be absolutely silent, and stood her in the corner. A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head into the room and begged, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back"

Three lunatics were working on a building site, supposedly digging a trench. After a few hours the foreman came along and was surprised to find one of the men digging furiously while the other two standing motionless, their shovels in the air, and claiming they were both lamp post. The Forman sacked the two men immediately and told them to go home. But the man in the trench also stopped work. 'It's all right,' said the foreman. 'I haven't fired you. You were working very well, so carry on.' 'How?' asked the man. 'How do you expect me to work in the dark?'

Right here comes the Dirty Jokes if you have read the main page you can continue if not, STAY AWAY!

A man walks into a bar with three ducks under his arm, he puts them on the counter before going to the toilet. The barman starts talking to the duck" What's your name and hows your day been?" he asks the first duck and the duck replies" I'm Huey and I've been in and out of puddles all day". The barman turns to the second duck and asks the same question "I'm Duey and I've been in and out of puddles all day". The barman turns to the third duck, and says "you must be Luey then". The duck him and says "no I'm puddles and don't ask me how my Fucking days been!"

Pub Jokes

A Mexican, an Irishman, an African, a kilted Scots man, a priest, two lesbians, a rabbi and a nun walk into a bar. The landlord looks up and says "What the hell is this? Some kind of joke?"

An Indian scout was checking the area on behalf of some buffalo hunters, searching for the herds. He puts his ear to the ground. "Ugg", he said, "Deer come!" The hunters looked at him with awe. "How the heck can you tell that?" asked one. The scout answered, "Simple. Ear sticky."

A fish staggers into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the landlord. The fish croaks "Water..."

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One says to the other "Hey, do you fancy dropping in there and getting shit-faced?"

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out screaming except this one old man. So the Devil saunters up to him and ask, "Do you know who I am?" The old man sips his beer, looks up at the Devil, and answers, "Yup, happen I do." The Devil says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The old man looks him up and down and says, "I've been married to your sister for 47 year. Why the hell should be scared of you?"

A dark-haired woman was sitting in a pub, wearing a tube top. She never shaved her armpits so, as a result, she had a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raised her arm to signal for another drink. This went on all evening. Towards the end of the night, a drunk at the end of the bar pointed at her and said to the landlord, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink. What's she drinking?" The landlord replied, "She's no ballerina." The drunk said, "Come off it. Any girl that can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"